Where to go and what to do ...

There's a question for you ... But who can answer it?

I've spent this morning reading blogs and the Bible and listening to a sermon or two, and talking to God. In all of this, I've come up with a list of random answers. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe not.

1. I'm going to build myself a motivational 'vision board' as explained by Cathy. I've been inspired. I have goals, and I tend to forget about striving to achieve them. So I'm going to make this board and stick it in my face to remind me. And I'm going to work towards achieving them.
   
   
2. I have recurring frustration in a certain area of my life. I'd already come to the decision to give it to God every time it comes up, but today I read something that reminds me that each time I give it back to Him, that I also say a prayer of forgiveness. My frustration and resentment only eats at me, and I need to forgive the source. Luke 6:28. The big kicker is that the source of my frustration has no idea they are the source. So why do I continue to carry it?
   
   
   
   
3. On the same note as above, I re-listened to Pete Wilson's sermon on Forgiveness (in the Baggage series). And I took notes. Forgiveness is not condoning, excusing or reconciling. It simply frees my spirit by letting go of my 'right' or desire to hurt them back.
   
   
4. I am moving on.

Paying Attention (again ... or is it still?)

I started this post and saved it as a draft back on Thanksgiving Day - if that's when Nov 27 was. I didn't publish it because I felt I was coming off whiny and negative, and that wasn't how I wanted to come across at all. So I saved it as a draft. But now, after a series of events, (three times a charm again) I am going to post it. I'm leaving all the original text as is and am going to put my new notes in a different color to differentiate them. Not that anyone cares about my thought process, but I need to keep them separate.

The original reason (reason #1 in my paying attention) I was going to post this was based on a reaction I had to my co-worker and friend Sarah's post. She was bummed and down on herself over a party she's trying to put together.

My friend Sarah is graduating from UNR on Saturday, December 6th, then she's got finals the next week. How crazy ridiculous is that, for the university to have graduation before finals? Totally ridiculous I say.

So here's the thing. Sarah is one of the kindest most gentle people I've met in life. I wrote about her for one of my Positive Post Tuesday posts. I didn't go on about all the nice things about her. Sarah doesn't realize how much like any of the rest of us she is. That's cause at age 24 (soon to be 25) she hasn't lived long enough to experience that other people are just as insecure and self conscious as her.

I know what it is to want to be the popular one.
I know what it is to want people to like me.
I know what it is to always feel 'second' best.

I can identify with Sarah, planning and organizing events has always been a very risky business for me. I've always considered myself shy, quiet and reserved. I don't expect people to actually want to come, so I don't plan anything.

Ok, so that's all I had originally said. Somehow I thought I'd said more. Maybe I deleted it.

And then, later on the weekend (this is #2 in the paying attention part of my story) I read a post on "Where's My Damned Answer," the first post I'd ever read on the blog in fact, that really hit home. The post was titled "100 Day Challenge: Family stories". I had (and still have for that matter) no idea what the 100 Day Challenge is even about, but I read Carol's post. And I commented. Here's my comment:

I actually started to blog about this myself over the holiday, but since it sounded so negative, I decided against it.

I grew up under the shadow of my older sister. She was always “the out going one, and the pretty one,” which by default left me to be the shy one and the ‘not pretty’ one.

At age 44, I’ve finally realized I’m pretty darned outgoing myself, and I don’t think a single one of my friends would ever describe me as shy. I’ve always had a hard time believing my husband for thinking I’m beautiful. That one still stands. I’m just me, and that’s good enough.

I read this morning in the book I’m studying 1 Corinthians 15:10 - But by the grace of God I am what I am …

[I'd forgotten about 1 Corinthians I am what I am.... guess that makes reading the blog #3, since the scripture was #2. but who's counting, are you?]

So I posted my comment. Then later in the week (which would have been #3, but since I forgot about the scripture, it makes this #4 ...) I told Sarah about my aborted blog post - telling her face to face how we're all insecure beings at our core. And I told her all the things about her that I've always admired and respected in her. I told her not to worry about those people who she is trying so hard to develop friendship with. I said "The people you are going to be friends with in life, are going to be those people who like you for who you are just the way you are."

Ok, so on to #4, which by now is really #5. Apparently I won the "100 day Challenge" drawing for having posted my comment. I had totally overlooked Carol's reminder Remember to post on this or Monday’s post to be eligible for this drawing next week. And thus, I realized I guess I'd better post my post. And thus, here it is. Long winded and all. [sorry, I really am trying to be less wordy]

How does this all wrap up? And what am I paying attention too? I dunno. How's that for an answer? I just had the same subject come up time and time again. Five times in fact, in the past week. So this is my take away:

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. Corinthians 15:10

I had to read it several times before the entire verse made sense to me. and his grace to me was not without effect means I noticed. It isn't in vain. I am aware of the truth that I am what I am, cause that's how I am made to be. I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me doesn't mean that I'm all that for being who I am, I am who I am because God is with me.

At least that's how it adds up to me.

Sanskrit Proverb

This has been posted all over the internet, and I always look it up for reference. The first four lines are my reality. And then it goes into the part about yesterdays, and tomorrows and TODAY well lived. I love this piece

Sanskrit Proverb
Look to this day
For it is life
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power --

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well-lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Read that again. Let it sink in. Really settle in. What strikes true and real to you?

... today, well-lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Why?

can't figure it out

Commenting On Fear

Brody Harper posted What's Your Fear and asked "So what’s yours? What’s one of your worst fears?" and my comment reply ended up far too long for a comment so I cut/paste it here and made it a post.

I've was widowed at age 35, and if I let the fear run away with me, I can break down in sobs worrying that it will happen again. I don't want to live through that grief again. But I pretty much know I will have too. On that note I would rather go first, and yet to go first means leaving Mark, and I honestly don't know how he would cope.

I had my kids to get me through the first time. My mantra was if I don't take care of myself, who will take care of my kids? My Alison was 8.5 years, and Josh was almost 13. That first year was most definitely the hardest year of my life. But, by the Grace of God, we made it

Even though I was not Christian at the time, I was very much aware that I was carried through that year by the Grace of God. God carried me. I think of that poem "Footprints In The Sand," and I know God carried me because so many people who loved me prayed on my behalf.


And knowing that, I'd rather Mark go first. I have God to carry me, Mark would be alone :-( and I really don't know how he would cope. He would have people who love him praying for him, and God would carry him, but I fear he wouldn't recognize or acknowledge that. He'd reject it. And he'd die. And we wouldn't be together.

I don't worry so much about my kids - well, that's only a partial truth. But they're adults (almost, Alison is 17) now. Kids are supposed to lose their parents first. Wow, losing my kids is another fear ... Boy. Let's stop this before I get further carried away!

Abundance Of Thanks

Today we are going to my Canadian girlfriends home for Thanksgiving. My initial question is still unanswered (because I'm an egotistical ignorant American?) about what do the Canadians give thanks?
But, I've decided that it really doesn't matter. I am taking this day, as all days should be, to give Thanks for all of the ABUNDANCE we have in our lives.

• I have Mark for my husband, who as my Alison reminded me recently loves me like no one else


• I have two beautiful children, Josh and Alison, both in their appearance and character


• I have both of my parents alive today


• I have Lois, my mother-in-law from my first marriage


• I have my in-laws, Ian and Brucie, from this marriage too, for which I am truly grateful.


• I have three beautiful daughters, Amber, Natalya and Alyssa, through Mark


• Albeit cluttered, dusty and not terribly clean, I have a warm house to shelter me from the coming cold weather


• I work for an incredible boss


• I have enough money to pay all my bills, and stash some away for vacations


• I have the cool car in the family

And the biggest, saved for last because it's greatest:

• I have GOD

There is so much more I could add, but this is my foundation.

I am making some vegan delightful Thanksgiving foods for Alison, because Sheila will have an over abundance of food for the rest of us.

What Is It??

Ya know, I go about my days on a pretty even keel. Most days. Or so I'd like to think. Then my boat gets rocked. Danny (a friend) has said that I don't seem to have a lot to stressed out over, and he's got a point. After I rattled off the list of this that and the other things that have gone on since February, he said "Oh, I guess maybe you do. But you sure don't appear to be too stressed out most the time." That would be because I do a pretty darned good job of stuffing stuff. Which is another problem all together.

Here I'd just gotten my boat all back on even keel again, and it got rocked again. But, in this I do know, I'll be fine and it will all even out again. I've got my mind made up and His help. But then I go to a bible study and my boat gets rocked again. There are select few in my life that witness my weakness. That's why Danny hasn't seen.

What is it with that? Why is it that I find my balance, only to be rocked again? Why did I go to that bible study, why was that the topic? He knows my weakness, He knows my anxiety. And He didn't keep me from going. I wanted to go. But why was that the topic?

Have to think on that one.

Threes

Have you ever heard that things come in three's? What is it about that? Is there a saying that good things come in threes? I think I said something earlier today to a friend about having to be SMACKED upside the head a few times before I "get" some things.

I've heard this scripture quote three times recently, and I'm supposed to pay attention:

First time I heard it, or read it actually, was several months ago. Someone sent the passage to me it to me in a text message and I looked it up myself. This was before I'd accepted the gift, and still, I found it to be very comforting. That was months ago.

Almost two weeks ago, while driving to my internet free vacation I was listening to a sermon from my friends church (the Discovering your Diving Destiny one) and Pastor Pete mentioned this passage as one of his favorites. Volume on my iPod was too low for this sermon so I had a hard time hearing, and Pastor Pete read/spoke through it very quickly. I ran the iPod back to listen again, because I'd thought I'd heard something familiar. Then I paused and opened my bible to find the passage. Yes, it was what I'd read before.

Then today at work I was talking about it, telling how I'd listened to the sermon and that I'd recognized the passage from a few months ago when it had been shared with me.

The third instance of coming across the passage was after I came home from work (after having worked only 7 hours, as demanded by my boss). I was reading through some of Brody Harper's Positive Post Tuesday links. I came across this scripture again on Dale and Linny's blog.

Third time's a charm. Jeremiah 29:11, I'm paying attention now.