Positive Post Tuesday

I have decided to recognize the online people who were contributing factors to my letting God back into my life.

I was well on my journey in finding God when I started listening to Third Day at work. My boss listens to them intermixed with the rest of the music on his iPod. I first tuned in and heard the voice, and then started listening to the lyrics. Good music. Good message. I started feeling comfortable hearing His Word.

And then I started finding Christian blogs to read. Exposure therapy works. When I found Brody Harper, I found him to be 'your average run of the mill kinda guy' who had values and talked about things that meant something to the world. Although completely different from me and my background, he was someone I could relate too. He was another example of someone who I felt lived their life living God's Word. He wasn't preachy or pushy or in your (my) face.

I also read Anne Jackson, and Shaun Groves. Like my boss, these people I liked initially in spite of their being Christian, who ultimately I realized I like because they're Christian. And then I eventually found Pete Wilson. Pretty cool.

Sunday Stuff

My week of randomness:

• My sister arrived on Tuesday for a week visit. Of sorts. Her husband had a conference at Squaw Valley for the week. Then they were going over to Chico to visit the Sierra Nevada Brewery. But the roads had chain requirements so they're here a day early.
• It SNOWED this weekend. Dusted. a little. More is better. Ski season is waiting.
• Got news this week about "big changes" ahead for my job. Good news is I didn't totally flip out and cry myself crazy. This is always a good thing. God Bless St John's Wort.
• Meant to donate platelets on Saturday, but had scheduled myself for whole blood not platelets (user error) so I rescheduled.
  
• We went out to lunch on Saturday with Sheila and Hilly ... last minute invited Danny to join us and he and his wife Stephani actually showed. Very exciting fun times. Steph connected me to the next point...
  
• Reconnected with an old climbing friend, Rick. Would make me quite happy to be able to post 'went climbing with Rick this weekend' type posts. Most happy indeed. We'll see.
• Climbed in the gym with Danny on Sunday, my finger joints are not happy with me. Aging. Such is life.
• Got the tree today - sister's husband and my nephew Hans (age 23) got it in the stand and put all the lights on - then my Alison actually helped Hans decorate it - and I helped. This is the first year in forever that it wasn't just me, which was rather nice.
• Was emailing a friend about a scrpiture that I didn't know the reference I'd said: He knew me before [I even was] but then another friend informed me of the scripture, and I was surprised how close I was: Jeremiah 1:5 "...I knew you, before you were born ... " Huh - I was pretty darned close.
  

Yeah, so that about wraps up my week in review.

Paying Attention (again ... or is it still?)

I started this post and saved it as a draft back on Thanksgiving Day - if that's when Nov 27 was. I didn't publish it because I felt I was coming off whiny and negative, and that wasn't how I wanted to come across at all. So I saved it as a draft. But now, after a series of events, (three times a charm again) I am going to post it. I'm leaving all the original text as is and am going to put my new notes in a different color to differentiate them. Not that anyone cares about my thought process, but I need to keep them separate.

The original reason (reason #1 in my paying attention) I was going to post this was based on a reaction I had to my co-worker and friend Sarah's post. She was bummed and down on herself over a party she's trying to put together.

My friend Sarah is graduating from UNR on Saturday, December 6th, then she's got finals the next week. How crazy ridiculous is that, for the university to have graduation before finals? Totally ridiculous I say.

So here's the thing. Sarah is one of the kindest most gentle people I've met in life. I wrote about her for one of my Positive Post Tuesday posts. I didn't go on about all the nice things about her. Sarah doesn't realize how much like any of the rest of us she is. That's cause at age 24 (soon to be 25) she hasn't lived long enough to experience that other people are just as insecure and self conscious as her.

I know what it is to want to be the popular one.
I know what it is to want people to like me.
I know what it is to always feel 'second' best.

I can identify with Sarah, planning and organizing events has always been a very risky business for me. I've always considered myself shy, quiet and reserved. I don't expect people to actually want to come, so I don't plan anything.

Ok, so that's all I had originally said. Somehow I thought I'd said more. Maybe I deleted it.

And then, later on the weekend (this is #2 in the paying attention part of my story) I read a post on "Where's My Damned Answer," the first post I'd ever read on the blog in fact, that really hit home. The post was titled "100 Day Challenge: Family stories". I had (and still have for that matter) no idea what the 100 Day Challenge is even about, but I read Carol's post. And I commented. Here's my comment:

I actually started to blog about this myself over the holiday, but since it sounded so negative, I decided against it.

I grew up under the shadow of my older sister. She was always “the out going one, and the pretty one,” which by default left me to be the shy one and the ‘not pretty’ one.

At age 44, I’ve finally realized I’m pretty darned outgoing myself, and I don’t think a single one of my friends would ever describe me as shy. I’ve always had a hard time believing my husband for thinking I’m beautiful. That one still stands. I’m just me, and that’s good enough.

I read this morning in the book I’m studying 1 Corinthians 15:10 - But by the grace of God I am what I am …

[I'd forgotten about 1 Corinthians I am what I am.... guess that makes reading the blog #3, since the scripture was #2. but who's counting, are you?]

So I posted my comment. Then later in the week (which would have been #3, but since I forgot about the scripture, it makes this #4 ...) I told Sarah about my aborted blog post - telling her face to face how we're all insecure beings at our core. And I told her all the things about her that I've always admired and respected in her. I told her not to worry about those people who she is trying so hard to develop friendship with. I said "The people you are going to be friends with in life, are going to be those people who like you for who you are just the way you are."

Ok, so on to #4, which by now is really #5. Apparently I won the "100 day Challenge" drawing for having posted my comment. I had totally overlooked Carol's reminder Remember to post on this or Monday’s post to be eligible for this drawing next week. And thus, I realized I guess I'd better post my post. And thus, here it is. Long winded and all. [sorry, I really am trying to be less wordy]

How does this all wrap up? And what am I paying attention too? I dunno. How's that for an answer? I just had the same subject come up time and time again. Five times in fact, in the past week. So this is my take away:

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. Corinthians 15:10

I had to read it several times before the entire verse made sense to me. and his grace to me was not without effect means I noticed. It isn't in vain. I am aware of the truth that I am what I am, cause that's how I am made to be. I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me doesn't mean that I'm all that for being who I am, I am who I am because God is with me.

At least that's how it adds up to me.

Positive Post Tuesday

Today I'm writing about my mother-in-law. I've got two mothers-in-law actually. Lois is Chuck's mom, and over the past nearly nine years since he died, my love for her has done nothing but grow. I went over to her house Sunday night for a quick visit, and three and a half hours later I finally went home for bed.

This Sunday will be the ninth anniversary of Chuck's car accident. I've been doing pretty well with it. The Thursday before Thanksgiving was the anniversary of when he moved out of our home, and it didn't even dawn on me until after I'd gone to bed that night. I think it's weird how some years the anniversary doesn't upset me, other years it throws me for a loop. This year, I've been thrown for so many loops that this is just another one. I am extremely emotional all the time anyway, what's one more reason? At least this one's legit.

But anyway. Back to Lois. She was talking about a recent TIA (small stroke) she'd had, and how she's ready to go whenever the Good Lord takes her. She said she'd hate to have a major stroke and live impaired. Because I'm reading "The Purpose Driven Life," in a flash, a whole conversation went through my head. I used to work at an assisted living community, and many of my residents had had strokes, and were very impaired. But I realized there was a purpose for them surviving their strokes.

These people hadn't fulfilled their purpose in life. We all have many purposes, and one of theirs, in having survived a stroke, was that they allowed me to be caring and compassionate to them. God gave me that gift (and many other care givers) by allowing us to know and care for these incredible people.

I was never angry, or upset with God for taking Chuck. I thanked Him, for relieving Chuck of his pain and misery. That was the only purpose I knew or recognized. But now I have realized a greater purpose to losing Chuck. And in that brief flash of a moment (because the thoughts went through my head in far less time that it took to type them out or for you to read them) while talking with Lois, I realized one of the greater purposes of Chuck's death. His dieing allowed me to know his mom like I never did before. It allowed me to be there to comfort and love her like I never had before. And it brought me closer to God.

I'm still learning about God's purpose for my life, and how I can best live that life. But loving others, is the core. I've got that much down.

Friday's Favorite

WOW, holy cow. This is my favorite thing that happened today... I watched this video by these MercyMe :

Truly the best part of the day!!

Sanskrit Proverb

This has been posted all over the internet, and I always look it up for reference. The first four lines are my reality. And then it goes into the part about yesterdays, and tomorrows and TODAY well lived. I love this piece

Sanskrit Proverb
Look to this day
For it is life
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power --

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well-lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Read that again. Let it sink in. Really settle in. What strikes true and real to you?

... today, well-lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Friday's Favorite

The day has gotten away from me and I almost forgot to post! This quote is one that I just read in my daily email of inspirational quotes, so I can't claim it as an old favorite. But it is a NEW favorite!

To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.
-Tao Te Ching

Let Go. Let God.

Life Journey

I have decided to start a new book, one shared with me a year ago. A year ago I wasn't ready to start this journey but I am now. A Purpose Driven Life is a 40 day journey of discovering what God has in store for me. I saw the book at Borders on Friday, and I thought it was time to pick it up again.

Last year I got through the first few chapters, and didn't follow it as suggested in the introduction. But as I said, I wasn't ready for it yet. Then this morning, after church, I felt I should get going. So I picked it up to begin at the beginning, rather than pick up where I'd left off.

I got as far as the introduction when it was explaining the layout and format of the book, and how at the end of each chapter there are points to ponder, questions to consider, and discussion topics. (or something like that, I'm writing this from recall, without the book in front of me). In this intro, it suggested reading the book and working through it with a partner. I called my sister, Dawn, and asked her if she'd go through it with me, which meant she'd have to find the Borders and buy a copy for herself.

If I start today, 40 days from now is December 25. I thought of Sarah and Kelley too, if they'd want to join me, but I chickened out on asking them. (so if you (they) read this and want to join, let me know, cause now you know I chickened out in asking.)

Dawn bought a copy and we're going to start reading today, and have discussion on the weekends. :-) I am excited about this new journey. So here's to the journey (should find/create an image), maybe I'll post little snippets and ah ha's ... or maybe I'll keep it between God, Dawn and myself. We shall see....

My Saturday ... and random thoughts

This morning I was talking with Joseph about the difference in today, as compared to last Saturday. Today is overcast, very gray and gloomy looking. Last Saturday was clear blue skies with warm temperatures. And yet I'm grateful for this day.

I just listened to a sermon given by one of my favorite bloggers, Pete Wilson, Pastor at Cross Point Church about the emotional baggage we all carry with us. I am looking forward to continuing the series. If you've been following my journey, you're in tune with my searching for a Christian community.

I've been attending Crosswinds church here locally, and listening to Pastor Pete (different Pastor Pete than from Cross Point) for a couple of months. I've enjoyed his sermons because they are very 'real' and he is very real and personable.

Now I've listened to the "other" Pastor Pete and I really enjoyed his sermon as well. Very different than Reno's Pastor Pete but the message is still very relevant.

Now I'm contemplating trying a different local church, to see how I like that one. When I was in Ohio in September I visited a church there, and can't say I cared a great deal for the sermon. Personal preference I suppose ... I can't get enough of either Pastor Pete - I can always continue to listen to the Cross Point Pastor Pete online.

But I need real people, in real flesh to worship with. Monday there is a "Women of Excellence" group that I'd like to meet with, and they're out here in my neighborhood.

I need people. Friends. There's something in the baggage I carry that makes it very important for me to have people. Because friendships are so important to me, I have a hard time letting them go. It's rough when I recognize that they aren't what I thought they were, or can't be what they once were. I've had one like that recently, and am struggling with it. So this series, by Pastor Pete of Cross Point, will be good for me.

Weekend Brief ...

Yay! What a great weekend this has been. Yesterday I got to go rock climbing outside on real rock with my good friend Hans and Sheila!

Sheila and I have only been out three times this entire year. We took a weekend road trip to Owens River Gorge back in May (with Danny, Dave and David), then took a day trip to Indian Springs and then another weekend trip to Clark Canyon at the end of June.

The Clark Canyon trip was with our friend Joseph (who doesn't climb anymore because his knee hates life) but he goes for the fun of our company. My Alison and her friend Geoff joined us on that trip and we had a great time. But we haven't been out since then if you can believe that. (if you know me and my climbing, you'd know what a tragedy this is for me).

I've been so busy this summer going here there and everywhere other than climbing and have been looking forward to another trip to the Gorge with Sheila (and Joseph this time, Danny and Dave can't make it). Then climbing with Romy got me very excited about climbing again and I couldn't stand waiting for that next trip. So when on Thursday at the gym Hans suggested we go climb I leapt at the chance, and Sheila came too. YAY!

Climbing yesterday was with Hans, a friend that I haven't climbed with in over a year. It was really nice to catch up with him. After climbing, Hans had Mark and I over for dinner.

And then there has been today ... (in bullets?)

• Romy sent a link to pictures from our Tuolumne trip.
  
• Attended the 11am service of church and really enjoyed the sermon. After the service I went back to the "newcomers welcome" and met the associate pastor who runs a "Women of Excellence" bible study group out in my neighborhood. I am quite excited to start building my own community in faith.
  
• Then I went and met my friend Joseph. When he opened his door I announced "I need food, want to go with me?" So off we went for some delicious authentic mexican tacos at Beto's
• Off to Sierra Trading Post to buy something light yet warm for climbing in ...
  
• Off to REI to get a flashing red light for the back of my bike so I can ride to work without getting run off the road (at least they'll see me before they hit me right?)
  
• And now home to do some final organizing for NEXT WEEKEND where Joseph, Sheila and I will be heading back to the Gorge. YAY.
  

Life Carries On

Title to the song is I Grieve but Life Carries On should be a sub-title.

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There's nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve...
for you
You leave...
Me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on...
Carries on and on and on...
And on
The news that truly shocks
is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage...
And I can't handle this
I grieve...
For you
You leave...
Me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on...
They say life carries on and on...
And on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In every one that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief
I grieve...

Commenting On Fear

Brody Harper posted What's Your Fear and asked "So what’s yours? What’s one of your worst fears?" and my comment reply ended up far too long for a comment so I cut/paste it here and made it a post.

I've was widowed at age 35, and if I let the fear run away with me, I can break down in sobs worrying that it will happen again. I don't want to live through that grief again. But I pretty much know I will have too. On that note I would rather go first, and yet to go first means leaving Mark, and I honestly don't know how he would cope.

I had my kids to get me through the first time. My mantra was if I don't take care of myself, who will take care of my kids? My Alison was 8.5 years, and Josh was almost 13. That first year was most definitely the hardest year of my life. But, by the Grace of God, we made it

Even though I was not Christian at the time, I was very much aware that I was carried through that year by the Grace of God. God carried me. I think of that poem "Footprints In The Sand," and I know God carried me because so many people who loved me prayed on my behalf.


And knowing that, I'd rather Mark go first. I have God to carry me, Mark would be alone :-( and I really don't know how he would cope. He would have people who love him praying for him, and God would carry him, but I fear he wouldn't recognize or acknowledge that. He'd reject it. And he'd die. And we wouldn't be together.

I don't worry so much about my kids - well, that's only a partial truth. But they're adults (almost, Alison is 17) now. Kids are supposed to lose their parents first. Wow, losing my kids is another fear ... Boy. Let's stop this before I get further carried away!